My beginning, but not the end

This was edited 2/8/2020



Life is for good and also is a test of faith, to see if we will believe in God or people. Such a decision, man or God?  Who will you believe?

I have a perspective on life that is different than that person who has enjoyed life with many ups and much encouragement in life. I am so glad they received this foundation, it is good for the rest of us to learn from and emulate.

I have learned to trust God in pain and hurts, that is something some people have never learned. We all have lessons, many we learn again and again. Regret has caused me to hurt and be self-centered, I didn't want to live there for life. Later I learned to cling to God and His work on the Cross and trust that the Holy Spirit is leading and protecting me. 

My formative years were spent on my older brother and sister and their lives. My parents were taking them to their 'events'. Football, Wrestling, Track, and beauty contests. Since I was 8 years younger than my brother and 9 years younger than my sister, I was just a tag-along, along with my little brother. 

My home life was not full of love and encouragement,  my older brother was the exception to that. I wonder if he knew I needed that from someone. I never thought about that before. Maybe he gave me the love and acceptance that he never received. 

In his life, so many hills to climb, another classmate to conquer in tests, another wrestling match to win. I wonder if he felt the pressure too? He was a genius, so I always thought he had things easy. Maybe he felt the expectations too. 

When I was ten, my older brother took his life and that turned our home inside out. It put my younger brother and me on a path of 'being VERY alone'. We grew up without parents to lead or direct us at all. 

We were alone to figure out life and how to grieve (which never happened) and find out how to live with this pain. We did not end up in jail, but as adults, we have been broken and hurting. We were left alone, emotionally and that hurt us deeply. 

I remember from a young age I was always doubting myself, I did not trust myself. I had been sexually molested at 9 years old or so, and never told anyone because I already believed I was the one at fault. It happened to my friend too, at the same campout. I felt bad that I had not spoken up to protect her. 

Later, I was hurting and so self-absorbed that I tried to take my own life at 17 years old.
I am now glad I failed, life was about to take a turn for the better. Jesus came into my life and I knew I had found a love that would be real and forever. I knew I had found a bigger WHY in my life. I hope you find that 'why' too. 

More than boys, or drinking, more than acting out, more than trying to live up to my parents' expectations or manipulation and anger. I have learned our family was a mess, but it sure seemed 'normal' to me. Most people think their family is normal, then as age and growth comes, we find out things might not have been that 'peachy'. 

I have learned that being single and having homeschooled and raised five children alone, I am really never alone, God is with me.

I am alone. Yes and no.

I am alone with God
I am alone with Jesus.
I am alone with the Holy Spirit. 

I am never ever alone. Just 'alone WITH' God.... 

I know my parents NEVER meant to hurt us, but they did. I forgive them. I know my heart was to train and build my children up, in the ways of God, but I was using a broken standard.... my parents standard. So, I NEVER meant to hurt my children, but I did.

Forgiveness is up to us, and then those we have hurt. God forgave us first. I am not saying that forgiveness is easy, but it is a freedom that is worth aiming for and realizing God forgave us first.  Who are we to hold someone to the fire, when God set us free from the fire.

I have found love to fill the void I used to have.

I hope you find love and forgiveness too.  It is a supernatural event that transforms us and those who hurt us. 

LOVE that is Eternal, Unconditional, and with Mercy. God's love.